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Why We Still All Want To Be Cher From Clueless

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…not least of all, me. Wearing: Zara skirt, Mango top, New Look bag and Sophia Webster heels.

Today, I was laughed at for calling the film Clueless seminal. “Yes. Seminal,” I repeated, “Like Citizen Kane. Or Glitter with Mariah Carey.”

Blank face.

“It made waves!” I continued, loudly. “We ALL still reference it. ALL THE TIME!”

Dawning, ‘oh God she’s serious’ realisation.

“It’s an IMPORTANT FILM!! Important! It had an electronic wardrobe in it! And Turk from Scrubs!”

Awkward silence in which he looks for the toilets.

I then sit, quietly seething, in an unspoken stalemate with my under-educated companion. I know it’s seminal and you know it’s seminal but unfortunately, dear reader, there are some people out there who didn’t get the memo. Feel free to quote any of the below at them if you’re ever faced with a similar predicament when called on to defend the best film of the Nineties (you can tell them I said that, too)…

LIFE LESSONS GLEANED FROM CHER HOROWITZ

1. The right outfit can make or break you

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The real reason that Cher failed her driving test? Clue: it had nothing to do with her near-miss with a cyclist, or hitting a parked car as she passed it. It was because she couldn’t find her white collarless shirt from Fred Segal; her most capable-looking outfit. Cher understood the importance of a sartorially good first impression, but more than that, fashion’s innate ability to just make you better at stuff. I used to get waaaay more done in my freelance years working from home when I’d put a blazer on over the top of my pyjamas. Empirical proof that tailoring fixes lives.

2. What looks like a perfect life to others may be very far from the truth

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More pertinent now than ever, Cher’s observation that “Okay, so you’re probably going, ‘Is this like a Noxzema commercial or what?'” was quickly followed up with, “But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.” Underneath the Calvin Klein dresses, Beverly Hills mansion and ridiculously swooshy hair, Cher was keen to remind us that she was just like you and me. She still worried about boys, grades, popularity… still got held up at gunpoint in an Alaia dress, had a wildly inappropriate relationship with her ex-stepbrother and made an embarrassingly full-on play for someone who was very obviously gay. I don’t know about you, but that’s my youth in a nutshell, right there.

She did have a point, though. In our current Instagram-frenzied society, life through a very flattering filter has become the norm. It’s easy to think other peoples’ existences are nothing more than the perfect snapshots they choose to share with us. Spontaneous, Valencia-tinted choreography has reached a dangerous peak. We’re standing on chairs to take pictures of our Special K and pretending we pack a different Diptyque candle in our gym kit every day. Noone owns that much Feu de Bois, trust me.

3. Have standards

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Saving yourself for Luke Perry? Your cultural references might need a bit of an update grandma, but I like where your head’s at. Cher’s unapologetic status as ‘a virgin who can’t drive’ made her the poster girl for not settling for anything less than the very best. Not only did that mean for boys (to be fair, Elton wore a brown suede bomber jacket, I don’t care how devastating his smile/ who his father was. And neither did she), but also for her family; encouraging her dad to be healthier, for her outfits; never trusting mirrors, only polaroids, and for her friends; with Tai’s makeover stretching far beyond some Wella plum mousse to include ‘something good for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours.’ Inspiring, really. Now if you need me, I’ll be with Marky Mark persuading him to plant a celebrity tree…

4. Often, the darkest hour comes before the dawn

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Darkest hour [dahrk’est ouuh] adj., n. Also known as an overwhelming sense of ickiness. Cher’s tidy world might have been upside down, her newly-made-over best mate turning into a monstrous mini-me, spectacularly failing her driver’s test and quite possibly screwing up her dad’s million-dollar litigation case, but what did she do to remedy it all? She went shopping! Problem solved.

Ok, actually there may have been more to it than Rodeo Drive. We’ve all been in those situations where nothing seems to be going right, but Cher taught us that sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before things can begin again. Joking aside, Steve Jobs once gave a speech where he said, “you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” I’m preeeeety sure he was referencing Cher’s iconic meltdown-turned-redemption when he wrote it. Nice one, Steve.

5. Having a touch-screen wardrobe is, and always will be, the greatest accomplishment in life

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SIGH. It’s been nearly twenty years. I mean, surely someone could’ve done a better job at inventing this by now? In much the same way that it pains me that they haven’t produced the hoverboards from Back To The Future 2, I regularly lament that Cher’s computerised wardrobe isn’t available on the app store yet. Science people! Stop growing human ears on the back of mice! Stick a pin in the large hadron collider (just for the time being. You can get back to it after lunch), and concentrate your efforts on this! Points one to four are made totally redundant if we have to dress ourselves in the morning for any longer without it. Cher would want it that way.

 

 

LA: Wild Boys on Muscle Beach

DSCF6084When you have a birthday like the one I’ve just had, turning 30 starts to seem more and more like a really fucking great idea, as opposed to something which just happens to you while you hide under your duvet obsessively rubbing Creme de la Mer into your frown lines like some kind of demented, anti-ageing Lady Macbeth. For a start, I woke up in Beverly Hills – if you can arrange to do this on your birthday too, I would highly recommend it. My ridiculously amazing friends surprised me with a pyjama breakfast party in one of their rooms, complete with my favourite ever cake (the vanilla cream meringue cake from Cipriani, which just so happened to be downstairs in our hotel, Mr.C), bellinis, pastries, balloons, banners, sweets – even a bloody tiara. They then surprised me with an awesome convertible which we drove down to Abbot Kinney in before having lunch at So-Cal hipster hotspot Gjelina, driving to Venice and walking down the boardwalk. We then drove down the Pacific Coast Highway to Santa Monica and Malibu before coming back to the hotel, getting ready and going for dinner at the legendary Chateau Marmont where we saw Paris Hilton and Marilyn Manson. Seriously. It was the birthday of champions. In your FACE, thirty. You’re MY bitch, now.

Anyway… on to the clothes. I’ve been a super-fan of Amsterdam-based brand Zoe Karssen for a couple of years now, and their lo-fi slogan sweatshirts and tees made up approximately 40% of my LA wardrobe. Their pieces have a perfect laidback California vibe and are brimming the kind of tongue-in-cheek wit that I’m a total sucker for…

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Wearing: Zoe Karssen Wild Boys sweatshirt, Karen Walker Harvest sunglasses (black version here), Proenza Schouler PS1 bag (purple version here), Topshop denim shorts (similar here) and Balenciaga sandals.DSCF6157

Get in loser, we’re going shopping.

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Wearing as above and London Loves LA ‘Life was tough growing up at the Chateau’ vest (white version here).DSCF6076DSCF6146DSCF6088DSCF6098

Dinner outfit… Wearing: River Island top (similar here) and clutch (similar here), vintage skirt (similar-ish here) and Sophia Webster heels.

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Du-byeeee! Life After London

So I’ve emigrated to the sandpit, got a shiny new job as the Fashion Features Editor at Emirates Woman and haven’t blogged in (gulp) four months. Come back with a bang, you say? Er, I’ll do my best but this inaugural new-life post might be more of a small, unobtrusive clunk to say hello, I’m still alive and you all have my permission to come out of your extended mourning. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible, but to tide you over here are some (possibly irritating) pictures from the land of sand…

Jacket: Mary Katrantzou at S*uce Boutique, Sunglasses: Miu Miu

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Sunglasses: Illesteva at Boutique 1, Dress: Bedouin Studios, Clutch: Corto Moltedo, Shoes: Christian Louboutin at net-a-porter.com

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Dress: Osman at By Symphony, Bag: Christian Louboutin, Shoes: Christian Louboutin at net-a-porter.comScreen Shot 2014-10-07 at 21.58.30

T-shirt: T by Alexander Wang, Bag: Moschino, both at Harvey Nichols Dubai, Shoes: Christian Loubtoutin, Jeans: Tu Es Mon Tresor at S*uceScreen Shot 2014-10-07 at 21.57.09

Beach day with the homies at Zero GravityScreen Shot 2014-10-07 at 21.58.06

Taller = better. The Burj KhalifaScreen Shot 2014-10-07 at 21.56.33

View from my office. Beats Pret on High Holborn. Having said that, I do miss the Chef’s special chicken salad.Screen Shot 2014-10-07 at 21.56.54

Drinks and dinner at Shades on the roof of The Address Hotel, Dubai MarinaScreen Shot 2014-10-07 at 21.58.47

Top: Zara, Wedges: H&M, Trousers: Clover Canyon at West LA BoutiqueScreen Shot 2014-10-07 at 22.01.48

My balcony view. I pray I will never take this for granted.Screen Shot 2014-10-07 at 21.58.59

Blue Marlin UAE opening party. Every one of these bikinis are from Victoria’s Secret.Screen Shot 2014-10-07 at 22.01.37

Chanel clutch of dreamsScreen Shot 2014-10-07 at 22.00.26

Ok, now I’m just showing off. Flying Emirates Business to New York. Headphones: FrendsScreen Shot 2014-10-07 at 21.59.14

Top: Ashish, Skirt: The Kooples, Shoes: Office, Clutch: Patricia FieldScreen Shot 2014-10-07 at 21.59.38

Shisha and cocktails at Nasimi Beach Club, Atlantis. Bikini: Accessorize, Sunglasses: House of HollandScreen Shot 2014-10-07 at 22.01.13

On the FROW at the Hasan Hejazi show at Fashion Forward Dubai. Dress: Christopher Kane, Shoes: Sophia WebsterScreen Shot 2014-10-07 at 22.02.02

A cheeky bit of Moschino in the officeScreen Shot 2014-10-07 at 22.00.04

Wearing Middle Eastern brand Kage in the September issue. Sunglasses: Karen Walker, Shoes: Sigerson Morrison.Screen Shot 2014-10-07 at 22.00.56

Bloomingdales Dubai red carpet wearing skirt suit from H&M, shoes: Nicholas Kirkwood.Screen Shot 2014-10-07 at 22.00.42Ok, I know how it looks. Highly filtered and more than a bit smug. But emigrating ain’t easy, take it from me. There’s been tears. Rows. Emotional WhatsApp exchanges. And I’m 90% sure all my mates from back home have unfollowed me on Instagram. I’m certainly not in Kansas anymore and fuck, do I miss it. But… *wades deeply into cheesy conclusive sentence* – it’s gonna be one hell of an adventure. I hope you stay with me for the ride.