…not least of all, me. Wearing: Zara skirt, Mango top, New Look bag and Sophia Webster heels.
Today, I was laughed at for calling the film Clueless seminal. “Yes. Seminal,” I repeated, “Like Citizen Kane. Or Glitter with Mariah Carey.”
“It made waves!” I continued, loudly. “We ALL still reference it. ALL THE TIME!”
Dawning, ‘oh God she’s serious’ realisation.
“It’s an IMPORTANT FILM!! Important! It had an electronic wardrobe in it! And Turk from Scrubs!”
Awkward silence in which he looks for the toilets.
I then sit, quietly seething, in an unspoken stalemate with my under-educated companion. I know it’s seminal and you know it’s seminal but unfortunately, dear reader, there are some people out there who didn’t get the memo. Feel free to quote any of the below at them if you’re ever faced with a similar predicament when called on to defend the best film of the Nineties (you can tell them I said that, too)…
LIFE LESSONS GLEANED FROM CHER HOROWITZ
1. The right outfit can make or break you
The real reason that Cher failed her driving test? Clue: it had nothing to do with her near-miss with a cyclist, or hitting a parked car as she passed it. It was because she couldn’t find her white collarless shirt from Fred Segal; her most capable-looking outfit. Cher understood the importance of a sartorially good first impression, but more than that, fashion’s innate ability to just make you better at stuff. I used to get waaaay more done in my freelance years working from home when I’d put a blazer on over the top of my pyjamas. Empirical proof that tailoring fixes lives.
2. What looks like a perfect life to others may be very far from the truth
More pertinent now than ever, Cher’s observation that “Okay, so you’re probably going, ‘Is this like a Noxzema commercial or what?'” was quickly followed up with, “But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.” Underneath the Calvin Klein dresses, Beverly Hills mansion and ridiculously swooshy hair, Cher was keen to remind us that she was just like you and me. She still worried about boys, grades, popularity… still got held up at gunpoint in an Alaia dress, had a wildly inappropriate relationship with her ex-stepbrother and made an embarrassingly full-on play for someone who was very obviously gay. I don’t know about you, but that’s my youth in a nutshell, right there.
She did have a point, though. In our current Instagram-frenzied society, life through a very flattering filter has become the norm. It’s easy to think other peoples’ existences are nothing more than the perfect snapshots they choose to share with us. Spontaneous, Valencia-tinted choreography has reached a dangerous peak. We’re standing on chairs to take pictures of our Special K and pretending we pack a different Diptyque candle in our gym kit every day. Noone owns that much Feu de Bois, trust me.
3. Have standards
Saving yourself for Luke Perry? Your cultural references might need a bit of an update grandma, but I like where your head’s at. Cher’s unapologetic status as ‘a virgin who can’t drive’ made her the poster girl for not settling for anything less than the very best. Not only did that mean for boys (to be fair, Elton wore a brown suede bomber jacket, I don’t care how devastating his smile/ who his father was. And neither did she), but also for her family; encouraging her dad to be healthier, for her outfits; never trusting mirrors, only polaroids, and for her friends; with Tai’s makeover stretching far beyond some Wella plum mousse to include ‘something good for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours.’ Inspiring, really. Now if you need me, I’ll be with Marky Mark persuading him to plant a celebrity tree…
4. Often, the darkest hour comes before the dawn
Darkest hour [dahrk’est ouuh] adj., n. Also known as an overwhelming sense of ickiness. Cher’s tidy world might have been upside down, her newly-made-over best mate turning into a monstrous mini-me, spectacularly failing her driver’s test and quite possibly screwing up her dad’s million-dollar litigation case, but what did she do to remedy it all? She went shopping! Problem solved.
Ok, actually there may have been more to it than Rodeo Drive. We’ve all been in those situations where nothing seems to be going right, but Cher taught us that sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before things can begin again. Joking aside, Steve Jobs once gave a speech where he said, “you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” I’m preeeeety sure he was referencing Cher’s iconic meltdown-turned-redemption when he wrote it. Nice one, Steve.
5. Having a touch-screen wardrobe is, and always will be, the greatest accomplishment in life
SIGH. It’s been nearly twenty years. I mean, surely someone could’ve done a better job at inventing this by now? In much the same way that it pains me that they haven’t produced the hoverboards from Back To The Future 2, I regularly lament that Cher’s computerised wardrobe isn’t available on the app store yet. Science people! Stop growing human ears on the back of mice! Stick a pin in the large hadron collider (just for the time being. You can get back to it after lunch), and concentrate your efforts on this! Points one to four are made totally redundant if we have to dress ourselves in the morning for any longer without it. Cher would want it that way.