"Am I missing something?" he asked. "Am I holding the newspaper upside down? Or maybe everyone at the show was wearing 3D glasses."
This befuddled head-scratching was The Boy’s response to pictures from last season's fashion week in the Evening Standard. He's the first to admit to finding fashion everything from bizarre to downright repellant, which got me thinking…what the hell would he dress me in given the chance?
Having already given many subtle indications of how he feels about my sartorial choices: “Don’t wear that bloody sequinned jumper when you see me. I feel like I’m hugging a medieval knight”, being a particular lament, I wondered what he would do if given free reign of my entire wardrobe? It's an experiment I wanted to do ever since a friend told me that her boyfriend had surprised her with a weekend away straight from work after having packed a bag for her himself. Cue colour draining from my face at the mere thought of it. A holiday in, you know, public, just seemed like too extreme a scenario to test my theory so I conducted it in the relative safety of my own home (there's only so safe you can be when your other half decides olive-green, cobalt and fuchsia are a complementary tonal palette.) The results were, quite frankly, petrifying...
Look One:
The Boy's brief: A casual dinner
Justin picks: A Wonder Woman costume
Relatively tame and in terms of colour-coordination, not bad, but…well, it's just not very cool, is it? Oh no wait. I've been told in no uncertain terms that "Cool is shit." Must remember that when getting dressed in the mornings...
Score: 3.5/5
Look Two:
The Boy's brief: Shopping
Justin picks: Miami Barbie goes looking for a good time
I'm pretty sure by this point the briefs were already being ignored and he was too busy having a jolly old time dressing me up like a budget drag queen. I’m shocked how he can take things that I actually like and turn them into an outfit that is quite so hideous. I look like I should be giving twenty quid hand jobs. Evidently, a look I should be aspiring to according to my other half. Note to self: Start worrying. Start worrying A LOT.
Score: 0/5
At this stage in the experiment, the backlash begins:
(Justin, disdainfully) “I’m seeing a lot of clothes I didn’t even realise you owned.” (Me, in head) "Shit."
“Can we make your boobs look a bit...you know, bigger? Don’t you have a push-up bra?” I’ve created a bloody monster. Coupled with an inability to distinguish tops from dresses, a seriously worrying penchant for coloured bras poking out from everything and a determination to pair it all with the same pair of over-the-knee boots, it dawns on me that my hypothesis is being proved and that I don't like it one little bit.
Look Three:
The Boy's brief: Dressed-up dinner
Justin picks: Dressed up like a dog's dinner
This is one of my favourite cocktail dresses and it has been ruined, RUINED, for me. Why blue bandage sandals, you may ask? Why a bra in a completely different shade of blue? Why a coloured bra AT ALL? *Bangs head against wall.*
On a more positive note, I liked the choice of bag, the fact that he tried to define my waist with a belt and that he was going for different coloured shoes for a more quirky finish. A+ for effort.
Score: 2.5/5
Look Four:
The Boy's brief: Work
Justin picks: Working the pole
There are many things that come to mind with this ensemble. Eurotrash. WAGs. Laurence Llewelyn Bowen. And there's definitely more than a hint of Nancy Dell’Olio in there somewhere. But he tried to match my shoes to my nails and bra(!) - a creative use of colour that broke up the monochrome a bit so that's something at least. But I still look like a hot mess.
Score: 3/5
Total score: 9/ 20 - Definite room for improvement. But I guess he'd say the same thing to me.
Conclusion: Hypothesis proved to be correct. Justin hates me and all my clothes. I should've guessed, really. When I first hoodwinked him into going out with me, I was dressed in a string vest and too-tight jeans and had hair extensions down to my (rather orange) ass. Mind you, when I first met him he had a diamond stud in his ear and wore sunglasses indoors. Some things change for the better...
